I have so much to catch up on at this point, I’m not even going to bother trying to recap. Between all the half-started drafts littering my WordPress account, I’m sure I’ll get around to expressing everything on my mind at some point over the next few weeks. What can I say? When it rains, it pours. Or at least that’s the forecast tonight.
So what’s moving me to write right now? Selfishness, of course, and self-absorption. Also, my epiphany thereon.
In typical The Universe Loves Me And Sends Great Things My Way Regularly fashion, another friend from university has moved into town! He was a don on my residence team in our last year at university, and he’s moved (along with his fiancée) to the little town just west of us.
(Incidentally, I am completely green with envy at their gorgeous 2-acre property, complete with like 18 gardens, chicken coop, rabbit pen and holy-shit-for-reals grape vines growing up and over to shade their back deck. It is just an amazing place for them (and their very happy puppy!) to live and I’m so happy for them, but also so jealous. It’s okay though; I’ve already told them that I’m stealing their house from them when they’re not looking.)
Monday night they threw a little “please help unbury us from boxes” shindig attended by yet another friend from the U. It was great pasta-y fun, and between all the cooking and unpacking I realized that, as happy as I am, and as selfish as it is, what I’m missing out here is friends that are really mine.
There’s no way to write that without sounding ungrateful and unappreciative of the amazing family of friends I already have — and they’re amazing, fun people (the proof is in the unpublished half-entries I’ve been stockpiling!) some of whom, ironically, have gone out of their way to befriend The Boy for my benefit — but… in spite of how things may have started off, most of them are our friends now and… I’m not sure what. A girl needs somewhere to hide, I guess, somewhere to not-be half of a couple.
I love The Boy; that’s not in question. Similarly, I’m super happy and blessed to have the friends I do. That We do. Maybe it’s the only child in me, but I need to have things that are Mine. Just mine. I’m sure The Boy does too. Doesn’t everyone? (If your answer is no, please keep it to yourself. I desperately need to believe I’m not being uniquely selfish here.)
In terms of hobbies and activities, we’re both set. In terms of friends, however… not so much. The Boy’s got something like 4 different hockey circles, and while I’ve vaguely met some of those guys, they’re really his peeps. Similarly, he’s got friends from his hometown who he doesn’t see all that often, but when he does, that’s their time, and that’s the way it should be.
I don’t have a local equivalent though. All the places where I would have had my own friends (dragonboat, knit nights, etc.) tend to yield acquaintances, people who definitely have the potential to become friends, but potential isn’t what keeps me sane and on top of new music, or helps to maintain my standard of swearing like a sailor in normal conversation. I should have figured this out from the happy, replenished state I end up in every time I get to see my homegirls (despite the amazing fact that they have gotten to know, and accepted The Boy into their fold) but I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes.
I’m a high-maintenance gal on the people front, and although I’ve known for awhile now that something here is out of balance, I hadn’t quite identified what was missing. Apparently, despite being really horrible at keeping in touch with people, what I’m in need of is hang-outage with my own peeps.
So. The obvious next step here is to work myself out of the mental division between “our” and “mine”, since I’m pretty sure that whole madness is just being projected on everyone from within the messy confines of my own head.
While I’m working on that, though, would anyone happen to know what this is?
They were growing in the yard, and made fantastic pom-pom-esque cut flowers, but I have absolutely no idea what they are.
(Unrelated: one of my favourite parts of spring? Constant supply of fresh flowers for my kitchen table. So colourful and cheery!)