At this very moment, there is a lot of panic running around my heart. Yes, you read that right: in my heart. If I had to locate a physical location where all my worries and panic moments congregate and party (like it’s 1999), that would be my heart. It feels out of breath and heavy at the moment, and the only thing that might be causing this is… a visit to the hometown for my sister’s stagette? What? This is not a reason for panicking.
I worry that I’m going to grow up to be one of those extremely over-anxious moms who doesn’t make a list, but will nonetheless try to double-check everything 8 times before leaving on a trip. The kind of person who shows up at the airport 4 hours early (“because you never know with security these days”), someone who is incapable of leaving the house without her Purse Of All-Containingness. (And this when I was just getting good at decluttering. Honestly. My purse these days usually just has my wallet, keys, paper/pen-thing and chapstick. Really! No more bandaids or WD-40, or floss, matches, or knives, you know, just in case, or… etc.) I’m not quite desperately, but slowly ramping up to it, afraid that I’m going to become one of those people who clutches at Things for stability and security in a world of chaos.
There’s nothing terrible about that — lots of moms are like that, and they’re the ones other people rely on. They’re the ones who always have a kleenex, or an extra elastic band, hair elastic, or even comb. Unfortunately, that’s not who I am, despite years of trying (and shamelessly using the Girl Guides’ motto as an excuse too!) by cramming my purse full of as much “just in case” stuff as I could think of. Finally, I just have to admit that really, I like skipping out the door with just my keys and shoes. I am often caught without proper ID, because I left my purse at home. It is time for me to face the fact that I am not ready (and hopefully never will be) for evolution into the Extremely Anxious Mom Type.
Foof, writing all that out seems to have done a goodly part to calm me down. (I credit also some cuddling with the resident fluff-nugget, who has also calmed down some from the squeaky hysteria of earlier in the day when The Boy left for his hockey tournament in Montreal.)
So, what else is going on? I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to join a local women’s dragonboat team — I’m super-interested because their story sounds very similar to my old team’s personality, but also because in the fall they compete in 1km and 2km races — a totally new experience for me! I have only paddled in 500m and 250m sprints previously, so putting in some real endurance paddling would be an awesome new experience.
Aside from that, I’m also considering signing myself up for a sunday night group who don’t train to race at any specific festivals, but just race (different courses, different lengths) for fun every week. So long as I can be sure that they’re not in conflict with the women’s team, I would be very happy to paddle with both.
I have a stack of books 8 high waiting to be read, and no time in which to read them of late, although I couldn’t tell you where the time’s been going instead. In general, I feel happy and productive though, so it’ll be nice to get into town, relax a little, and hopefully let go of this last little clutching claw of panic. I really feel (in my head) that I’ve earned the weekend, that I deserve to just relax and enjoy it. Now if only I can convince my heart…